第十章（第2/25页）

“我说过，”他连忙回答，像只无路可退的野狗，“如果那样做不会影响你对我的爱，我举双手赞成。反之，我会反对到底。”康妮无言以对，冷冷的不安与轻蔑的情绪交杂在一起。这席话无异于白痴的梦呓。他不再知道自己在说些什么。

"Oh, it wouldn't make any difference to my feeling for you," she said, with a certain sarcasm.

“哦，那不会影响我对你的感情。”她说，略带讽刺的口吻。

"There!" he said. "That is the point! In that case I don't mind in the least. I mean it would be awfully nice to have a child running about the house, and feel one was building up a future for it. I should have something to strive for then, and I should know it was your child, shouldn't I, dear? And it would seem just the same as my own. Because it is you who count in these matters. You know that, don't you, dear? I don't enter, I am a cypher. You are the great I—am! As far as life goes. You know that, don't you? I mean, as far as I am concerned. I mean, but for you I am absolutely nothing. I live for your sake and your future. I am nothing to myself” Connie heard it all with deepening dismay and repulsion. It was one of the ghastly half-truths that poison human existence. What man in his senses would say such things to a woman! But men aren't in their senses. What man with a spark of honour would put this ghastly burden of life-responsibility upon a woman, and leave her there, in the void? Moreover, in half an hour's time, Connie heard Clifford talking to Mrs. Bolton, in a hot, impulsive voice, revealing himself in a sort of passionless passion to the woman, as if she were half mistress, half foster-mother to him. And Mrs. Bolton was carefully dressing him in evening clothes, for there were important business guests in the house.

“那就好！”他说。“那才是问题的关键！那样的话，我半点都不会介意。如果家里有个小家伙在家里跑来跑去，知道有人能赋予他光明的未来，那真是再好不过。那时候，我就会拥有为之奋斗的目标，我知道那是你的孩子，不是吗，亲爱的？你生的孩子我会视如己出。因为涉及到此类事情，你才是至关重要的。你懂我的意思，是吗，亲爱的？我不会干涉，因为我无足轻重。你是唯一的重心！就生活本身而言。你理解我的说法，是吗？我是说，我就持这样的观点。我是说，对你而言，我毫无意义。我为你而活，为你的未来而活。至于我自己，根本无关紧要。”听完这席话，康妮感到愈发沮丧，对他的厌恶又添几分。这些不过是荼毒生命的可耻鬼话。他这般理智的男人，怎么能对妻子说这样的话呢！可男人总是不按道理出牌。但凡有点尊严的男人，怎么能将生活的重担全压在妻子肩头，让她孤军奋战呢？更过分的是，仅仅半小时以后，康妮亲耳听到克利福德与博尔顿太太的交谈，他的口吻热络而急切，表现得时而冷漠，时而激情，似乎她已然是半个情妇、半个养母。博尔顿太太小心细致地帮他穿好晚礼服，因为晚上业界的头面人物会到访。

Connie really sometimes felt she would die at this time. She felt she was being crushed to death by weird lies, and by the amazing cruelty of idiocy. Clifford's strange business efficiency in a way over-awed her, and his declaration of private worship put her into a panic. There was nothing between them. She never even touched him nowadays, and he never touched her. He never even took her hand and held it kindly. No, and because they were so utterly out of touch, he tortured her with his declaration of idolatry. It was the cruelty of utter impotence. And she felt her reason would give way, or she would die.

这段时间，康妮觉得有时自己快要活不下去了。那些扭曲的谎言，那些白痴般的残酷举止，都会将她击得粉碎，使她的生命无以为继。克利福德奇诡超凡的商业头脑，让康妮深感震慑，而丈夫口口声声地宣称崇拜自己，更使她觉得惶恐。夫妇情分已经荡然无存。他们再也不会触碰对方的肢体。他甚至再也不会亲昵地握她的手。不，正因为两人间亲密的接触已经不复存在，所以他那番顶礼膜拜的宣言才会令她感到痛苦。那是性无能者的残酷言行。她觉得自己迟早会丧失理智，不然就会性命不保。

She fled as much as possible to the wood. One afternoon, as she sat brooding, watching the water bubbling coldly in John's Well, the keeper had strode up to her.

树林愈发成为她的避难所。某天下午，她坐在约翰井旁，黯然神伤，呆呆看着冰冷的泉水汩汩流出。这时，守林人大步向她走来。

"I got you a key made, my Lady!" he said, saluting, and he offered her the key.

“夫人，我给您配了把钥匙！”他说完，躬身施礼，将钥匙递上。

"Thank you so much!" she said, startled.

“非常感谢！”她说，他冷不防出现让她吃惊非小。

"The hut's not very tidy, if you don't mind," he said. "I cleared it what I could." "But I didn't want you to trouble!" she said. "Oh, it wasn't any trouble. I am setting the hens in about a week. But they won't be scared of you. I s'll have to see to them morning and night, but I shan't bother you any more than I can help.” "But you wouldn't bother me," she pleaded. "I'd rather not go to the hut at all, if I am going to be in the way.” He looked at her with his keen blue eyes. He seemed kindly, but distant. But at least he was sane, and wholesome, if even he looked thin and ill. A cough troubled him.

“屋里挺乱的，还请您别介意，”他说，“我已经尽量打扫过了。”“可我没想给你添麻烦！”她说。“噢，一点不麻烦。我要用一周左右时间，把母鸡们安置好。但它们不会怕您。我早晚都得来照看它们，但我会尽量别吵到您。”“但你不会吵到我，”她言辞恳切，“如果真的会那样，我宁愿永远不去。”他那双天蓝色的双眸紧盯着她，目光依然犀利。他似乎和蔼可亲，但又保持着距离感。但他至少四肢健全，心智健康，虽然看上去清瘦孱弱。他咳嗽起来。

"You have a cough," she said.

“你咳嗽。”她关切地说。

"Nothing—a cold! The last pneumonia left me with a cough, but it's nothing.” He kept distant from her, and would not come any nearer.

“没关系——感冒而已！上次患肺炎落下了咳嗽的毛病，但没有大碍。”他总是刻意与她保持着距离，不愿接近一步。